Flora and Fauna:

Snakes: Texas has all four types of North America's poisonous snakes: the all-too-real rattlesnake, the aggressive cottonmouth moccasin, the dangerously-camouflaged copperhead, and the most venomous and most beautiful coral snake.

The biggest rattler I've ever seen, in or out of a zoo, lives on the hill in South Llano River State Park, on the western edge of the Hill Country. S/he really did coil to strike my truck one night as s/he was crossing the road down to the river. There were at least five feet of snake before coiling, occupying more than half a standard road lane. (Thanks for asking - I slept splendidly that weekend, on an air mattress right on the ground, under that wonderfully clear sky. However, I did approach my truck very carefully in the mornings.)

Spiders: There are 10,000 types of spiders and all 10,000 live in Texas, plus a couple of kinds nobody's identified. It's true that the tarantula really does jump.

Gila Monster: This poisonous lizard grows up to 20 inches (.5m). It's true that once it bites, its teeth lock through the skin of the victim, and must be pried apart with a bar or stout stick.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You know you're from Texas if...

*You measure distance in minutes.

*You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

*If you have been on TV more than once describing what the tornado sounded like in your mobile home.

*If you have ever been arrested for storing the game you shot in a motel ice machine.

*If you think that paper sacks from Krogers and styrofoam coolers make good luggage.

*If your local newspaper has a front page story featuring the Breeder Bull of the Week.

*You know all four seasons: almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

*You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as "good chili weather."

*The local paper covers national and international news on one page, but requires six pages for local gossip and sports.

*You think the first days of dove, quail and deer seasons are national holidays.

*You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

*You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car.

*You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

*A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinna coke you want?"

*You keep replenishing a can of bacon grease on the stove, and know how to use it. After all, if it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

*If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, you'll go to the grocery store. It doesn't matter if you need anything from the store. It's just something you're supposed to do.

*You know that if you serve on a jury, "he needed killin' " is a valid defense.

It's not always prudent to call somebody "stupid," so here are some expressions that tactful Texans use:

Not the quickest bunny in the forest

She's one tit short of an udder

If he was any more stupid he would photosynthesize in sunlight

She's a sandwich short of a picnic

He's got a rip in his marbles bag

She's got a tile loose

She hasn't got both hands on the steering wheel

When you look in his eyes you can see that there is no one driving

Lights on, door open, no one at home

Trying to explain something to him is like trying to give a fish a bath

He'll be doing joined up writing next

She's like the Venus de Milo, very pretty but not all there

He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, in fact, he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words

He's one putt short of a par

If she went to a mind reader they wouldn't bother charging

and more...

Vocabulary:

Onced and twiced are words. ("Onced I went to the State Fair up 'ere in Dallas. Had to go back to the corny dog stand twiced.")

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

Coldbeer is one word.

"Fixing" implies imminent action. Example: "I am fixin'to go to the store.

Fixinto is one word.

'Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

Knowing you backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

Stores don't have bags, they have sacks. Big sacks, like at the feed store, are tote sacks.

More Texanisms:

Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

Busier than a moth in a mitten.

Lost as a goat on Astroturf.

As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Gooder'n grits.

Hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

Surprise: "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Conceited: She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."

Happiness: If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

Transportation: A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. It can get stuck.

Transportation: Advice to Yankees - If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a New York City apartment-sized, four-wheel drive, "pick-em-up" truck will be along shortly. They have a 12-pack of beer and various tow chains. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Cuisine: Tea is appropriate for all meals, and it's pronounced in one word: "icetea." You start drinking it when you're two years old.